We Always Want What We Haven't Got

It’s all about perspective I suppose.

Currently though I can’t help but feel like I’ve been a fool once more. Surprising one would think that such a hardhearted harbinger of pain and suffering such as myself would feel like she’s worn her heart on her sleeve and managed to get gore on herself. But its been known to happen from time to time.

It would seem that I am a victim of my own wishful thinking.

Wishing and hoping don’t make things true sadly-a lesson I hammer into others but appear to have forgotten myself. Amuse yourselves listening to former Skunk Ananise front woman Skin’s “Faithfulness” (so timely a theme) and ignore my word vomit.

People That Need to be Punched In the Head....Whiny Goth Kids

I might be a Domme...but the last thing I am is a Goth. In my regular life you're more likely to find me in a comfy sun dress and flip flops-or pair of jeans with any number of my sneaker collection on my feet. If I go a bit heavy with the smoky eye makeup that's for work-a role I play to help my clients maintain a fantasy. That's it. The leather, PVC, corsets and whips are a costume I wear when working-no more, no less. No one in their right mind would want to wear that shit 24/7-but then who says Goths are in their right minds.

We've all seen them-the morose expression, sloppy Robert Smith makeup and hair, belly-aching louder than Morrissey at an all you can eat steak buffet. The occasional oh so daring facial piercing that Mommy and Daddy paid for-or they got their friend to do with an ice cube and needle. Mmm…Nothing hotter than a face leaking clown makeup and pus. Ugh...just writing about them makes me want to kick Buakke Boi in his non-existent nuts.

Goth kids are the ultimate expression of how self involved and centred Western culture is-from the snobbish belief you aren’t really ‘Goth’ unless you have a 300$ pair of bondage pants to the relentless ‘sameness’ and conformity they engender but proclaim is fascist. A perfect example of kids picked on a ridiculed so much that they feel the need to return the same treatment to others who could care less about their Sharpie painted nails. Let’s call a spade a spade boys and ghouls…the majority of Goths are just crying out for Mommy/Daddy/Uncle Jim/Anyone to pay attention to them anyway they can.

Cutting, body modification, suicide ‘attempts’, dabbling in the occult-any little thing will do. Every time I see some of these little shits cat walking down Queen St West here in Toronto I want to grab them and shake them. Preferably while screaming, “Cut downwards next time asshole!” or “Taking a bottle of Tylenol isn’t going to kill you Cunt…but keep it up and I might!”

I say we give whiny Goth kids a sad dose of reality and dump their asses into the middle of a war zone and give them something to really be melancholy about. After all its easy to be ‘depressed’ when one lives in a developed nation as an upper to middle class Caucasian (which most Goths are…though there are the odd exception). I can understand how terribly oppressed one must feel with nearly everything being handled to you on a platter. Try pulling that sit in downtown Baghdad then we’ll have a talk about how disenfranchised you are.

Advice They Should Have Given

Am I the only person bored to tears with the trite, dull, condescending advice given out by various 'advice columnists'? (Other than Dan Savage who is and will always be the Balls!) Ever wish they'd tell people what they really thought of their problems? Well look no further....As an experiment (until pathetic worms come to me direct for problem solving) I'm going to 'borrow' letters from various online advice gurus and put my own special Miz Misanthrope spin on the replies.

Our first victim:

My husband and I separated almost two years ago. He says our marriage is over, yet he still comes over occasionally to spend the night. On February 13, 2000, we went to a World Marriage Day service and renewed our vows. That night he left and went back to the woman he lives with. I was crushed.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a dance club, and he was there with guess who? The woman he’s lived with the last two years. On that night this girl got in my face and told me herself my marriage was over. My husband just stood there and never said anything. She kissed him, then she tried to hit me. They ended up getting kicked out of the club.

Tell me, just what kind of female person would do that? Has she no respect for herself?

~E

Dear 'E',

Did you stop to ponder the irony of your final question for a moment? After all you're the woman that took back a cheating ass and still lets him drop by for booty calls when ever he feels like it. Don't open your mouth-I can hear the wheels turning already with a 'That's not what it is...He loves me...' mewling pack of BS. You're still married to this asshat that lives with someone else and has for years-why have you not served his ass with divorce papers and taken half of everything he owns? If a man ever did that to me I would go Ivanna Trump on his ass until it'd be like tossing a hot dog down a well.

After a few months of the gravy train coming to a halt because all his money is in your wallet his little chippie would dump his ass like a hot potato. Why? Because of the type of woman she is...trash. Once she's not getting what she wants from him-sex, attention, money, all of the above-he'd be dumped without a moment's hesitation. Which is what you want really E...him to be alone, broke and miserable so that when he crawls to your place for another booty call you can laugh at him and slam the door in his face. Doing that will give you a rush that is indescribable my dear E and take you from doormat to woman in charge of her own life.

Forget the rest of it-forget the harlot and your cheating bastard husband. The only person you have the ability to 'fix' is yourself and by reclaiming your confidence you will have shown him that you're the stronger person. If you let things continue in this way the only person you'll have to blame for things is yourself. Grow a spine and show him what a bitch you can be then find a hotter, younger man and fuck his brains out.

~ Miz Misanthrope

And the second:

I am really confused about this subject...are you supposed to shave/wax (remove) all of your pubic hair? Do men expect you to? If you don't will they think you're weird and disgusting?

~Harriet Bush

Dear Harriet,

Men come with every conceivable taste and kink-trust me I've learned this from experience. The best rule of thumb I can give you is once you've been with a partner a few times-ask him what he prefers. If you're not comfortable with that then do what YOU prefer to do with your pubic hair. My suggestion would be to at least keep things 'groomed' which would mean trimmed so that its not like he'll be flossing if he goes down on you...but so that you have a bit of hair just in case you get one of those guys that thinks shaved lady bits make a woman look twelve and unsexy.

~ Miz Misanthrope

People I Would Like to Punch In the Head...Sarah Palin

There are so many reasons why Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin gets to be the first victim on the list of people I'd like to punch in the face. It could be because she has a habit of boldly lying about her stance on things like 'Pork' and the Bridge to Nowhere. It could be because she's decided to use her pregnant teenage daughter as a pawn to show off her ultra conservative anti-choice values (despite wording the girl's decision to have the bastard child of a self described 'Red Neck' as her...choice.). Oh delicious irony.

It could also be the grandstanding, insincerity I feel with her eldest son's deployment to Iraq-so much so that it feels like Mommy Dearest would love the approval boost she'd get if he lost life or limb while over there. It could also be her Fundamental Christian belief that the world is 6,000 years old...and that Creationism...I mean 'Intelligent Design' should be taught in schools. Without the balanced teaching of the Flying Spaghetti Monster no less! Or her support of policies that would leave her fellow women making up to 25% less than their male counter parts for the same exact jobs (will she take less than Cheney if the GOP gets four more years?).

Mostly though I want to punch Sarah Palin in the face for being the distillate of everything that is wrong with politics today. Uninformed. Uneducated. Unprepared. But willing to sell out everyone and everything in order to better her own position. A total political pawn that will continue the Bush legacy of bungling on the world stage. Read the writing on the wall my American friends...and weep. Then find a way to punch her in the face too.

So You Think You Can Hate the World?

Life sucks. It’s really the only universal truth out there. More consistent than death nowadays with all those nifty medical advancements being made, even edging out taxes because aside from sales tax one can choose not to pay them. Nothing is a more sure fire way to piss me off than to try and bring some sunshine into my normally gloomy outlook on life. I like being cynical-it means you’re less likely to be disappointed when the world hands you crap sandwiches when you asked for roast turkey with spicy havarti and guacamole.

I’ve noticed lately a large trend towards Lady Fate tossing back her leg and boxing me with her pointy toed Christian Laboutin most recently so that might be why the bar of my expectations is low. Up until a few months ago I had a well paying if soul-crushing job as a fraud investigator for a large telecommunications company-until I completely burned out. There’s something about the corporate world and its twisted ass kissing politics that just made me want to vomit. So I quit two steps ahead of being the next dissent based firing handed down by management more interested in people who could nod and say ‘Yes Sir!” than those who actually wanted to prevent dollar loss to the company. No bitterness.

Even months of unemployment haven’t forced me to regret leaving-I liked my co-workers too much to go postal on them all. If not for sweet Mary-Jane I probably would have snapped months before I exited. What I do regret is being so bloody broke that I’m steps away from eviction-that’s mostly because I enjoy living with a roof over my head. Canadian winters are not mild enough to make living in a cardboard box appealing. My fuzzy sidekick Miss. Abbi would certainly agree if she had a voice to do so since she’s a four-legged snobby bitch. Might be why we get along so well.

I’m not ashamed to admit I’m an elitist bitch. In fact in these mouth breathing, knuckle dragging, Palin cheering beginning of the Idiocracy I think more people need to stand up and look down their noses at the masses. If we don’t show those over breeding morons what culture is supposed to be in 100 years Death Race will be the world’s sport of choice. Sounds scary doesn’t it? Fucking terrifies me until I need to inhale some of Jah’s mercy…except I’m so poor I can’t afford to pick any up.

That's currently turning around and I’ll be returning to a profession that helped me keep my student loans at a healthy 25k instead of a horrendous 40k. Working as a Dominatrix in a local Dungeon. What better employment for a woman who really hates the world and the majority of people in it but to humiliate, degrade, and cause pain to corporate fat-cat types with more money than sense? Its like the best therapy money can buy-only you get paid to do it. Who wouldn’t like that?

This is why my fellow misanthropes and malcontents I wish to share with you through stories and rantings a bit of the inner peace I find flogging flaccid old men. I’ll also be putting my own spin on the usual ‘Dear Abby’ type problems…so if you’ve got a beef with the world or the people around you (especially a significant other) go ahead and email it to me at MizMisanthrope@gmail.com and I’ll answer it as soon as I can.

To wrap things up I leave you with the sainted Mike Judge’s brilliant piece of prophesy-the real reason why rational thought and higher education are doomed in this world. From the film ‘Idiocracy’ which still gives me nightmares-in a good way.